Questions, Questions...
Good morning one and all.
Well, as promised, and just prior to our departure for Lao Peoples Democratic Republic, I am here to answer your questions, as posed by three of my readers. (Three! I find more questions scribbled on napkins when I'm scrounging through the rubbish, but I'll harangue you all later about the pitiful reader participation this site seems to garner...)
In no particular order, here are my answers to the questions posed.*
1. "Why do you hate America" - Georgie W. Bush. Well, as baffled as I am that my readership extends to the leader of the free [sic] world, I will do my best to respond. Mr. Bush, in this world, there are many things I hate; wet shoes, chained monkeys, pineapple, and the Bay City Rollers - but America is not one of those things. (Hang one, it is possible that America is the Bay City Rollers, but it's too early in the morning for that kind of debate...) While in the past I have expressed some dissatisfaction (heck, let's be honest - I overturned tables in Jakarta, knocked out teeth in Houston, and single-handedly stole the Hope Diamond in protest) about American foreign policy, it is misplaced to suggest I dislike America, as a whole. So, Concerned in Texas, I hope this answers your question. If you want shorter sentences, please email me directly.
2. "What happened to your hair?" - six foot muffin of love. Dear Mr. Muffin, you're not the first to hit me up for style tips - let me tell you. I'll do my best to answer your polite question. As you know, my hair naturally grows in thick, rich, lush golden tresses, and has turned heads from here to Tokoroa. However, as a person in the public eye, I have some responsibility to lead, to set trends - not follow them my friend. As such, I can reveal - exclusively here, on Rakish Richard's Rants - that my current 'Male Pattern Baldness' 'look' is actually the result of an arduous plucking regime. You really have no idea how difficult is it my friend - taking a few extra hairs each day, meticulously thinning out the top, leaving a few tell tale hairs on the pillow; this is the price I pay to be a fashion leader. I hope this sets you all to rest, don't say I don't to anything for my fans...
3. "Humans and elephants have some of the most advanced brains on the planet. Yet, mice shake up elephants in the same way that cockroaches shake up humans. What is the physical reasoning behind this phenomenon? How can these potentially harmless, small creatures have such a frightening effect on us larger, more advanced animals?" - detroitjapan. Dear DetroitJapan, sadly, I can choose only one of your two questions, let's debate the other later, on company time. This one's a real doozy, and took quite a lot of research. I outline my conclusions as follows; After some time at the Chiang Mai Public Library, and a detailed chat with Kapiah (my erstwhile steed), it would seem that the correlation between large animals and the creatures that scare them lies in (long, ascending trumpet peal here!) the length of their second toe! I know it's a little hard to believe, but look at the numbers; The length of an average mouse corresponds exactly with the average length of an elephant's second toe. Similarly, the average cockroach is the same length as the average adult human's second toe (there are exceptions to every rule, and Mr. Muffin - your squid like toes and bird-like feet are testament to this). Taking this further, it's easy to see that the mouse's most feared animal - the ladybug - is (you guessed it), the same length as a mouse's second toe! Again, although I'm stating the obvious now, we can see that the cockroach is deathly afraid of the aphid - a creature the same length as a cockroach's second toe. Now, what use is all this knowledge if there's no way we can use it, and I hear you ask - Dr. Arch (of the Jungle), how about those of us who want to overcome these fears? Well, the simple solution is this;
clown shoes
With these doozies, no-one will know the length of your second toe, and you'll be trekking through fields of cockroaches (works on any sized cockroach, guaranteed) without a care in the world!
Well my dear readers, I hope you can go out into your respective days enlighted, enlivened, and emboldened, ready to take on the world with zest and gusto (no, they're not clowns).
I remain,
Your humble servant,
Arch :)
*The information contained in this post may be a complete load of rubbish. Should you receive this information unintentionally, it is recommended you print it out and eat it.
2 Comments:
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my current 'Male Pattern Baldness' 'look' is actually the result of an arduous plucking regime ... and to think i believed you all those times i caught you with my tweezers and you said you were just taming your nose-hairs. there goes my inner-thigh-friction theory. girls, stop blaming yourselves.
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